Slow down, you move too fast….I have been reflecting on our lifestyle since getting glandular fever. Reflecting on all the balls in the air and trying to make a call on those which are still important and those which I can let drop. I know that glandular fever isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you in terms of health – but it sure did make me think that everything sure is good, as long as you have your health.

All my life, I have wanted to be a mum. I’ve wanted to be that mum who is able to stay at home with her babies {hopefully until each of them go off to school before I return to the workforce}. I’ve been extremely lucky to have been on maternity leave for 3 years…and for the past 18 months, I have been working a part time role which I complete from home. It means I get to spend my days with my babies.

Motherhood is beautiful. Motherhood is messy. Motherhood is ever changing. Motherhood is trying. Motherhood is a blessing. Motherhood is a battlefield. Motherhood is…

I know that some days are good days… Some days I am the mum that I have imagined I would be. I’m up before the boys. I make waffles and we walk to preschool. On the way home from preschool, I call past our local cafe and pick up a coffee and a babycino for the little dude before a trip to the park.

It’s easy to get through our daily tasks – I might catch up with friends or get to yoga or collect some groceries. There might be a spot of baking and I enjoy cooking with my babies, or maybe we will work on a craft project or a sticker book. I have all the time for stories and puzzles and requests for cuddles.

My heart explodes when I pick up Mr Moo from preschool. I love to hear him call, ‘Mum, you’re here!’ as he runs to give me the biggest cuddle. The boys are calm and still whilst they eat their afternoon tea and dinner prep goes smoothly. Everyone eats their dinner, bath time is full of laugher and bed time sees everyone settle quickly.

But I know that some days are bad days but not this time…Now, I got my new eyelashes extensions from http://lashesbylisawinnipeg.ca/. My whole body aches from having a child or two practically sleep on me throughout the night. I’ve settled and resettled. I’ve been up for trips to the toilet and drinks of water. I’ve given hugs and I’ve breast fed for more hours then I care to mention {as I’m soft  and I don’t like crying and I know people are against it}.

I feel like I’m behind the eight-ball from the beginning. It seems to be those days that milk is spilt, shoes can’t be found, drink bottles get left on the table and there is a mad dash to go back and collect them. I feel my temper building. I feel like I snap at the smallest things. I raise my voice and I wonder what the neighbours think {or if they can in fact here me}.

I feel like on those days there is too much screen time and that it leeds to poor behaviour. ‘Get off him’, is muttered through gritted teeth – is this what life is like with boys? I’m weighed down with the dinner, bath and bed routine. I wonder when our life will get back to some form of normality. I long for the days when I did this routine with my husband – it’s been a year since we have done these tasks together.

As soon as the boys are asleep, my guilt increases. They are only little. My eldest is four and I ask him to be older then his years all the time – because the others are so little. It is on these days I wonder ‘Am I the mum that I wanted to be?’

I know that this time that we have together is fleeting…

Are you happy?

Am I giving you all that you need?

Will you look back on your childhood fondly?

I love you baby boys. I hope that I am enough for you. Navigating motherhood is HARD.